Hey there. It's been awhile since I came here to vent my spleen.
I apologise for that. Kinda.
During the time between my last post and typing this, well, let's just say a lot of shit has gone down and I've been muddling along. It's about time I spoke up.
ADVANCE WARNING: this will be a post mainly about myself.
Right. So, over the time since I last logged in things, and indeed life, have taken several ups and downs. I finished my degree, graduating with 2:2, I've done some stuff. I started up a YouTube channel revolving around my gaming activity, which has had some very limited success. (as in, I have uploaded, people have "watched" and I gained a few subscribers, which I am very thankful for.)
I have gained and lost jobs, reconnected and disconnected from people I know. Argued with loved ones, cried, hurt, fucked things up, wondered and dreamed about what might have been.
Mostly because of what I am now understanding to be depression.
Yeah, the D word.
Basically, for a good long while now, I've been at war with myself. An internal battle that doesn't seem to want to end anytime soon. I have good days where the fug recedes to the periphery but never truly goes away. Then I have the bad days, where no matter what, I am irritable, angry, emotional, anxious, prone to outbursts and fits of rage. I drive those closest to me away and I try to hurt them emotionally. I have become a bitter twisted shadow of a man who used to give a shit about everyone before himself. Now I can barely see past my own bullshit. The worst part is, somewhere deep inside, there's a part of me that's starting to enjoy it. THIS IS NOT WHO I AM. But I can't help myself.
In the last two weeks, I have been put on medication to lower my blood pressure because it was through the roof. Something that runs in the family. What has been niggling away at me is what I have since found out about my father. See a few years ago he had a massive stroke, that effectively wiped out two thirds of the right side of his brain. Now he has Parkinson's. What caused the stroke? Atrial fibrillation. A condition that causes irregular heart beat and in some cases abnormally fast heart rate. Basically, he blew a gasket, and it nearly killed him.
Now my mother is a trooper, she's had to sort the old man out, make sure he takes his meds, get him back on his feet etc. But, and this is where I come off sounding selfish but fuck it, it needs saying. Who ended up picking her up, getting her back on her feet. ME.
At the time of the stroke, I was living about 40 minutes drive away from my family. I was studying full time, I have a son, and my partner also was studying full time at the college 10 miles away in the next town. I made the trip in to uni in my home town and back 40 mins away twice a week for studies. It was around 60 miles a day, so 120 miles a week, just for studying. Then the stroke happened and I ended up driving in and out every day of the week. Taking mum to the hospital, then taking them to every appointment he needed to be at with his doctor. Sometimes I would end up staying over because I was that tired. Meaning my son didn't get to sleep in his own bed for two nights of the week.
We ended up moving back to a town myself and my partner hated, and had tried to escape from for so long. She ended up having to leave her uni course. I barely scraped through mine with a 2:2.
My partner, all though she will never openly admit, blames me for her pulling out of her course, and all the bullshit moving back, the loss of money, the upheaval, and the set back after set back we endured. She has only told me this once in the heat of argument.
It kills me she has to feel that way. But I have to selfish here. What about how I feel? I have a sister. where was she when I was running my ass into the ground physically and finacially? The answer is: nowhere to be seen. Not until 3 months later, she swanned in like she owned the place, gave me the elbow and became the golden child. jealousy? You're damn right. I was there from day one killing myself, nearly ending my relationship, making sure everyone else was okay. My life had and has fallen apart. I'm just existing in this world that I no longer want to be a part of.
But who will listen? Not my partner. We barely talk anymore. My mother has enough on her plate as it is. I can't hold a conversation with my dad for more than 5 minutes at a time before he gets distracted by something else. I rage so much no one wants to listen.
I've never been good expressing myself verbally, I have always found it easier to write. Hence the professional writing degree. But even that hasn't helped.
I have alienated even those that I spent three years in a classroom with. I can't say I blame them. I wouldn't want to know me either.
This week I am at the doctors again for a follow up about my blood pressure. I will pursue the problem with my Dad's ticker, see if I have any similar issues. I will also use it as a platform to discuss my depression. Someone has to help me...somehow.
Thanks for listening to me rant. Hopefully I'll be back. Then again, maybe I won't.
T
